shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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