I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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