When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
