totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
