when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
