Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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