I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't put those talents on a resume
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
