I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
