I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
