this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
