Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
