when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
