I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
