a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
