Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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