According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This baby is an asshole
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
All the doctor said was why
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
