The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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