Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
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The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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