You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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