from now on my penis is your penis
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
