Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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