You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
