Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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