I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
