took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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