The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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