i just wanna soil my oats bro
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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