Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.