So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love