Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
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Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize