mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
