My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
