what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
