Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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