you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
