I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
