and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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