I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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