even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
