I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You are a genius and a whore.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
