I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
