So drunk its hurt
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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