We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
