Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
God, I missed his penis.
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