I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
