i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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