I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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