Is it normal to miss your booty call?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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