my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
