Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
