Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
