Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
