Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
