You smell like stripper and shame
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
