I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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