Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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