if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just puked most of my soul out..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
