for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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