I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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